It was about 8 years ago or so that I lost hope. For some reason hope was completely gone. I found myself in a very dark place, a place I didn’t want to be in, and when I looked up from the bottom all I could see was black. It felt as if everything I was working towards just keep crashing in on me and it felt as if I could not bust through the patterns in my life that seemed to be keeping me there. I hate to admit it, but in my darkest time …. I was looking for a way out.
During this time in my life the only thing that kept me sane …. That kept me on track …. That helped me to get through without finding that way out were my conversations that I had with The Divine. Some of those conversations were quiet …. A simple Help me was uttered. Some of those conversations were not so quiet and I lashed out at the Divine …. I questioned the Divine … I lamented to the Divine.
Somewhere in this process the Divine heard me because one day I found myself at the crossroads of hope and no turning back and I picked hope. From that day forward I worked tirelessly with The Divine by my side to restore my hope and with each hour that passed I no longer wanted to find my way out. Instead, I wanted to find my way up the dark tunnel and hopefully see some light at some point on my journey.
It was about this time that I began to ask for a friend. Someone who would come into my life and just listen …. Sure, the Divine was, and still is my best friend, and I had and still do have tons of friends around me, yet I still felt like I needed someone who could understand where I was coming from.
After this point my darkest hours were starting to turn into some of the most enlightening hours that I had encountered in my life. Armed with new hope and new appreciation it seemed that ever so slowly the light was shining once again on my face.
After my dad passed away I went home for 2 weeks to make my way through the viewing, the funeral, the burial and everything that comes with all that, it came time for me to return home to Texas. I didn’t want to leave my mom but I knew my brother and my niece were there and I promised my mom that I would call her everyday just to check in and talk to her …. To make sure she was doing alright.
The first few days that I called her the conversations we had were very quiet, and were not very long. I couldn’t image the grief she felt after losing her sidekick of the past 64 years. Still I persisted in calling and in making those conversations longer and longer each time. Still, there was something that was just not quite right with her. It felt to me like she had lost her hope. At Thanksgiving, we visited in person, and we went to see a patio home that she was interested in moving into. The house she has lived in for 48 years was too big, it had stairs to negotiate and it held to many memories. A few weeks after Thanksgiving during one of our conversations, she asked me if I would be ok with her selling the house and moving. With no hesitation I told her yes …. I felt that would be the best thing for her.
After the decision was made to move and packing began it seemed that something within my mom had totally changed. It was like she had found her hope again and slowly but surely she made her way back into life. Each day I called her and each day those conversations got longer and longer. After I shared with her some thoughts I had on the Divine and how I felt the presence of my Dad around me all the time, She shared with me the spiritual experience she had had that completely changed her thinking and had gotten her hope back.
One day after we hung up the phone it struck me that the Divine had listened to me after all and sent that friend that I needed into my life in the form of my 82 year-old mom. I knew that all along she had been my friend and that she was my first friend that I ever really had, but somewhere along the way I forgot all that. Our phone conversations still take place everyday. They continue to be longer and longer and we both continue to share more and more. Those conversations continue to be a source of strength for me. II am so grateful that each night at the close of our conversations we always say I Love You …. And that is the last word that she hears from me each night. I like to think that when she goes to sleep at night that last I love you on the phone rings in her heart.